Man vs Zombie

"All right, ladies, I've got some important business to attend to." Ryan winked at the girls as he got up and put on his jacket. Lisa groaned dejectedly and rolled her head to the side, revealing what at first looked like ornate pearl jewelry on her ears, but upon closer inspection they turned out to be writhing masses of maggots burrowing into the sides of her neck. Maggie clutched at his right leg, moaning in what could have been sadness or a hunger for gray matter. "Now, you know I can't stay, girls! I'm on a very. Important. Mission!" Ryan said, punctuating his speech with swings of his axe. He shot them both another wink as he walked towards the graveyard below.

And then Maggie's jaw fell off.

It was five in the morning and Gary was wishing he'd never been born. Final exams started in three and a half hours, and he hadn't been able to study because of the noise from his roommates. Gary wanted to scream. They'd been playing Rock Band on the set he'd gotten for Christmas for eleven hours straight in the next room. When they first moved in, David and Urghh seemed like cool guys. They didn't drink from the milk carton, weren't overly chatty, and usually kept to themselves. Andy listened to them--now they were completely butchering Iron Maiden. He forgot every nice thing he'd ever thought about them. He shut his eyes and covered his head with his pillow again, imagining the horrific things he would do to them if they kept going at it. He remembered his other gift from Christmas. The chainsaw.

I used to be tired, lonely, and surfed the net all day when I wasn't scrounging for canned foods. Everything changed when I found that Three Zombie Brain shirt on some dead hipster. As soon as I put it on, something fantastic happened; I walked outside at night for the first time in months and none of the zombies tried to eat me! In fact, I was getting high-fives left, right, and center from just about every one of them! The hot lady zombies were making eyes at me and doing that "call me" sign and the cool zombie guys would invite me to their sweet zombie parties. Best shirt I ever stole off a dead guy, hands down.

Average customer review of this shirt: 5 out of 5 brains.